There’s so much I need to say but nothing comes to mind. There’s so many emotions I need to feel but nothing can be felt. Time and time again you’ve torn me apart, and not only me but those around me that I love most. But don’t worry because it’s not all your fault. We idly stand by casually bracing for the storm to hit. Why aren’t we running for cover? Why are we allowing you to suck us in to the middle of all of this? They say addiction is a disease but I distinctly remember you writing to me about the CHOICE you made to get high. We want to feel pity for the addict because they can’t help it. It’s a disease, it’s out of their control. But what about us? What about those that are left to pick up the pieces time and time again? We never had a choice because you made it for us. You made this our lot in life, to worry for you and for those that you’ve hurt. You get to choose drugs and temporary freedom from reality while I was given heartache and abandoned. You get to run from your responsibilities while I pick up your slack. This isn’t love. You don’t even love me in your own messed up way. I’m constantly torn between hating you and hoping that one day you could be a mother to me. I want to love you, I truly do but I know that I don’t and I don’t think that I could and that is what is truly devastating.
Today is the last day of mental health awareness month and I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to blog about it! As many of you know, this month means something to me. Last year I was diagnosed with scizoaffective bipolar type and it absolutely changed my life! For a while it was rough, and when I say life was hard I mean it was almost unbearable. BUT I weathered the storm and I’m living proof that there are brighter days ahead. Last year had you told me that I would be where I am now, working three jobs (loving every bit of it!), barely sleeping, and still managing to practice self care I would have laughed at you. Back then I could barely get out of bed in the mornings, now I’m barely there to begin with! My days are happy and although I still have my bad days they don’t linger. I’m able to recognize where I am and where I’ve been and let me tell you, having that sort of clarity is amazing. There’s such a stigma surrounding mental illness, and to receive a diagnosis (especially one with the word schizo in front of it) can literally be terrifying, but your life doesn’t have to end there. That doesn’t have to be who you are. Yes I can be bizarre, and yes I cringe when I read through my old journal entries but today I can say that I am a better person because of my illness. My heart is more open and my mind is more optimistic. Life with mental illness doesn’t have to mean life in the shadows. Life with mental illness can mean a deeper understanding of what it means to truly be living and I am truly blessed that because of mine I can see life through a different lense!
Today was a good day. Today I remembered where I’ve been and realized where I now stand. Today I am healed.
My road to healing has been hard. I’ve had doubts and I’ve struggled. I’ve been frustrated with stability and longed for insanity. I’ve been passive and patient, and today was worth it all. I came off of my lithium today and I couldn’t be more ecstatic. That means that I am down to only taking one medication a day, not 6. That means thats I’m doing well and can cope. That means that I am
healed almost healed, and I am so thankful for everyone that’s helped get me here.
I swore to myself I wouldn’t blog about you again. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let you upset me again. But today you called. Today, for a brief moment my world was shattered and you did that. You knocked the breath out of me and you made me angry as hell. For a moment I hated you. For a moment I dove into the world of pain you created for me. Who knew that a 3 minute phone call could cause so much chaos. Mother’s day is soon approaching. Don’t think for a minute I’ll be celebrating you. Sounds harsh, I know. But that’s where I am. I’m angry and I’m hurt and I don’t think I’ll recover this time. I don’t think I’ll come back from this. And you know what? That really sucks, because at the end of the day I want you to care. I want you to tell me that you love me. I want to be your little girl, but most of all I want you to be the mother I know you’ll never be able to be. I want to celebrate your life, not pretend you’re no longer here. I want to love you, but I can’t, and I need you to know that it’s all your fault.
Lend me your match so that I may start a fire. Light a spark so that you will ignite for me. So that you will burn with a flame so bright, a flame so hot, that it will never burn out, be smothered, die down.
Lend me your match so that I may do for you what you have done for me. Give you light in the darkest parts of your soul. Give you a flame to see through the darkness where your feet may stumble.
Lend me your match so that I may start a fire. One that will burn for you, for me, for us, forever.
Because of you I know what it means to hurt. I know how it feels to have your heart ripped from your chest. I know how it feels to hate and I know how it feels to forgive. I know how it feels to be completely helpless and hopeless. I know how it feels to be let down and defeated. I know how it feels to be utterly emotionally drained and exhausted. I know how it feels to carry this around day after day. Some days are better, some days aren’t. I know how this feels because of you. But worst of all, they feel these things too. That makes three. Three people that will carry this for as long as you’re alive. How do you come back from that? In my world you won’t. You’ll be kept at a distance while I sit here hating everything about you, willing myself not to hate you. You’ve had so many chances, why couldn’t you just get it right? Just this once. But here we are. Again. I hope you see this one day, and I hope it rips your heart out the way you’ve ripped out mine. I hope you carry it around forever.
You had your chance to apologize. So long ago I gave you the chance to prove me wrong. I gave you the time that you needed to prove to me that things were different; that you were different. I gave you everything you needed to show me that you loved me, but even then you failed. Again you failed me. You lied to me, you betrayed my trust and worst of all you broke my heart. But don’t worry, you’ll never get that chance again. You’ve lost me. I’m long gone. For so long you’ve made me feel invaluable. Like there’s something wrong with me when all along the truth has been that something is wrong with you. You’ve shown me time and time again that there’s no room for anyone but yourself, but finally, I hear you. I understand that now. Never again will I let you make me feel unloved, unwanted, or abandoned. Now I realize that you did me a favor. Leaving me was the best thing you could have done, and leaving you is the best thing for me. Every little girl deserves a mother that loves her unconditionally and would choose her over anything. Don’t fret, because in your act of “selflessness” you gave me that, but one day you’ll realize the hell you’ve put me through and in that maybe you’ll find clarity.